


the habit of calling you i live, unable to erase it

by wanderwon (manhwauser)



Category: A.C.E (Beat Interactive Band), U-KISS, UNB (Band)
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Non AU, i miss junchan but you didn't hear that from me, its a happy ending tho dont worry, this is a mess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-21
Updated: 2018-07-21
Packaged: 2019-06-13 14:18:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,559
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15366489
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/manhwauser/pseuds/wanderwon
Summary: Junyoung didn't know it was possible to miss someone who he lives with under the same roof, belonging in the same group and within arms reach.





	the habit of calling you i live, unable to erase it

**Author's Note:**

> guess who's b a c k  
> i've decided to take matters at hand because the junchan tag here is so dry so here's a little something to water it and hopefully motivate y'all to write more junchan bc i beg of u pls write more i am thirsty for content  
> unbeta-ed, might contain grammar mistakes and typographical errors but enjoy reading <3  
> title is from [seventeen's habit](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=co34EipkpYY) and [here's](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j2NghJuQrRo) another mood of the fic

Junyoung doesn’t notice it at first.

Filming for his drama has been taking up most of his time recently that he had to miss a few events of his current group and even though he feels greatly guilty for being absent, it was a situation he couldn’t control. He had so much on his plate to even afford thinking about anything else outside his hectic schedule.

That’s why he wasn’t aware when it started, when Yuchan started drifting away.

In Junyoung’s defense, it wasn’t something notable in its probable early stage. On days when he’s off from filming, Yuchan usually made sure to ask about his well-being and catch up with him. Sometimes the said male even waits until wee hours of the day just to check up on him. He’s always been the last one to stay and wait for Junyoung.

He admits that it came to the point where he expects a sleepy but endearing smile will welcome him each time he returns to their dorm.

But from always it slowly became occasional and Junyoung _understands_ that. They started preparing for their upcoming comeback and everyone is working hard while he’s working twice as hard. The hours they used to allot for catching up with each other or simply being in each other’s presence got strictly reserved to rest. It was a must and Junyoung knew they need enough sleep to function at their fullest.

Junyoung understands when Yuchan rarely waited for him. Yet when the latter actually stopped from doing it anymore, he felt as though there was something missing every time he arrives back from a terribly draining day and there’s no drowsy ‘ _welcome home’_ that greets him.

He completely disregards the longing ache each moment he realizes that Yuchan stopped staying up late for his return.

That was just the early stage of it because despite the younger male not waiting for him anymore, Junyoung still received messages that conveyed apologies for not being able to and wishing him a goodnight. It partly made up for it but Junyoung knows he’s lying if he said he didn’t hope that Yuchan and his warm smile will welcome him back _home._

The supposed second stage came when they finally released their new album and Junyoung was given a break from shooting his drama to allot time for promoting their song. This time around he noticed something slightly off with the younger male. They weren’t inseparable _per se_ and it was Gwangsuk that Yuchan tailed to like a puppy but it felt like Yuchan wasn’t spending much time with him.

It felt so little compared to before and it makes his stomach knot uncomfortably.

A day never passes without Yuchan checking up on him, be it the other male asking about his day or just knowing what Junyoung feels and offers the best comfort he can give. Most of the time it was in the form of long hugs and assuring circles rubbing on his back. Though in his opinion, the best comfort Yuchan gave him is the smile that’s reserved _only_ to him.

And there was that time where the shorter male planted a kiss on his forehead while on his tiptoes. He thought, _Yuchan was so cute back then._ The memory always made Junyoung’s chest swell in warmth each time he remembers so he kept it safely tucked inside his heart. Until now it still occupies a certain spot but it doesn’t make him feel a pleasant sense of warmth anymore.

Junyoung’s chest pangs this time because it’s a memory that seems like he won’t relive.

Yuchan still approaches him on his own, fools around with him at times, he is _still_ the ray of sunshine that he is but Junyoung feels that something is different. Something _changed,_ a shift between them happened and he’s not quite sure what it is. He misses receiving the smile usually reserved just for him where the edges of Yuchan’s features were soft and he can _see_ pure affection in the younger male’s eyes.

He rarely received it anymore and it seems like he’s not going to any sooner.

After two weeks of promotions for Black Heart, Junyoung’s juggling his time between stage performances and drama filming. The remaining time left is automatically for resting and it’s not even sufficient to the amount of hours he’s awake and working. It’s tiring but it didn’t feel _this_ draining before when he still had Yuchan providing him energy in random times of the day.

Junyoung used to randomly receive messages that cheered and encouraged him from Yuchan before too.

It’s said that a person doesn’t realize one thing’s value until they lose it. Junyoung was familiar with this, experiencing it a couple of times already and one would think the feeling of loss and regret wouldn’t be as much as before. Well, they were _wrong._ The feeling wasn’t any less than before, it only increased by tenfold.

He’s not even sure if he lost _it_ already.

 

-

 

 **kang yuchan**  
_have a safe trip. goodnight. 12:45am_

 

Junyoung stares at the last text message Yuchan sent to him a week ago, it was the day he flew back to Korea earlier. He didn't know it was possible to miss someone who he lives with under the same roof, belonging in the same group and within arm’s reach. He turns off the device and slides it in his back pocket as he enters their dorm.

Checking out his phone if there was a new message from the younger male before going inside is a habit he somewhat developed in the past days. He still hopes that maybe Yuchan sent a message, maybe he’s waiting for him inside even though he knows very well how unlikely it is to be true.

“I probably deserve the idiot of the year award.” He mutters under his breath.

Junyoung makes a turn to the kitchen, opting to grab a drink first then heading straight to bed. He finds another person rummaging through the fridge that makes him stop on his tracks, the person closes the door of the fridge and a shudder runs down his spine when he recognizes Yuchan. Without realizing, Junyoung closed the distance between him and the younger in three strides.

Now standing in front of Yuchan, the latter seemed to register his presence by then.

“Oh.” He gasps for a bit then squints in the dark to make out if it’s really Junyoung in front of him. “You’re back.”

Junyoung couldn’t come up with anything to say. “Yeah.”

The younger male drinks his glass of water before sparing the other a smile. Junyoung’s throat dries up, his chest tightening, and hands itching to reach out and grasp Yuchan but he stays rooted in place and doesn’t do anything. Yuchan places his glass back on the counter and comes closer in Junyoung’s space, gaze worried as he observes the taller male’s features.

“You look really tired from filming.” Yuchan says, his brows drawn together in concern.

His heart leaps, a spark of hope residing in his chest. The current scenario reminiscent to the ones Junyoung longs to experience again. He was anticipating for it, Yuchan suddenly wrapping his arms around him, providing comfort and warmth he needs the most. It’s how it always ended up _before_. He’s barely able to contain the want to have Yuchan in his arms again.

Junyoung was about to reach for him but Yuchan takes a step back.

“I’ll head back first. Make sure to get enough sleep, okay?” The shorter male reminds with a small smile. “Goodnight, Jun.”

Reality bites hard and harsh, Junyoung feels like a bucket of ice cold water was dumped on him. Yuchan squeezes his arm before moving to leave him alone in the kitchen. He manages to grab the younger male in time to refrain him from doing so, not wanting this situation to stretch longer and reach the dreadful third stage.

Yuchan glances back at him, eyes wide in surprise at the sudden action.

He ignores the other male’s puzzled expression and asks, “Why are you like this?”

“Huh? What are you saying?” Yuchan looks even more confused.

 _“This.”_ Junyoung gestures at them with his other hand. “Acting as if nothing happened. As if nothing changed between us.”

“What…” Yuchan’s expression turns indifferent, “You’re exhausted. Get some rest.”

“Just listen to me, please.” Junyoung keeps his grasp on the shorter male’s arm tight as the latter tries to remove it.

Yuchan appeared hesitant but let out a sigh in defeat, “Fine but don’t come whining at me tomorrow for not getting enough sleep.”

“I won’t.”

Junyoung releases the younger male’s arm from his grip and grins gratefully, gums peeking out. Yuchan looks away, cheeks dusting a light shade of pink as he motions for Junyoung to start speaking.

He takes a deep breath before starting, “It’s just that we barely talk anymore and before you mention that I’m always out filming, you don’t approach me when I’m here in the dorm.”

Even though he has a lot to say, countless of questions to ask, Junyoung keeps it short and cuts to the chase.

“It feels like… no, we actually drifted apart.”

They fall silent for a while, Junyoung can’t read the expression Yuchan was wearing at the moment. He wasn’t expecting anything but he didn’t think that he’d be met by a lack of reaction after uttering those words.

“Why do you make it sound like it’s my fault?”

Junyoung gets taken aback. “I’m not—”

“You are.” Yuchan stated firmly. “Have you ever thought about what I felt?”

The younger watches him carefully. Junyoung can see disappointment gradually become evident in Yuchan’s eyes the longer he remains quiet, unable to say anything. His guts were twisting and Junyoung doesn’t know if it’s because of dread or guilt, possibly both. He can’t think of the right words to say, the words that’ll appease Yuchan but he deserves to hear the truth.

“Of course not.” He beats Junyoung to it and scoffs lightly. “I didn’t want this to happen either. I didn’t want us to drift apart but did you even do anything to stop it?”

Junyoung feels the lump in his throat continue to grow, stomach churning awfully. Though, he remains silent and lets Yuchan carry on talking.

“In the past months, I was always in doubt every time I went to you yet that didn’t stop me because I really wanted to be with you.”

“You wanted to be with me…?” Junyoung shouldn’t sound hopeful.

“I _did._ I wanted to spend time with you until I realized that it’s all _just_ me. I thought that I’d be fine since I believed when if you truly want to give a person something, it doesn’t matter if you don’t get anything in return.

“But who am I kidding? I still expected and it felt like shit knowing I’d end up disappointed every time.”

Yuchan’s eyes were glossy. There were tears brimming in them, threatening to spill in any moment but the shorter male blinks the tears away. He wipes his eyes with his sleeve, head stooped down as if he doesn’t want Junyoung to see him in this state. His chest squeezes painfully at the sight of Yuchan on the verge of tears. It hurts more that he’s the reason why.

“So I distanced myself from you for a while thinking I’d get some sort of response but what did you do? Nothing. Not even when you had a little break from filming. I felt like a fool waiting and _waiting_ that maybe you’ll do something.

“But you got busier and almost never had time to stay here. I didn’t even realize myself that we’ve grown this apart. There really is a difference to what we show in front of the cameras.”

It dawns upon him as the reason why Yuchan’s gestures when they had cameras and the anticipating gazes of their fans following their every move felt calculated, staged. The touch was foreign to the ones that normally gave Junyoung a fleeting feeling of tender assurance.

“Anyways, sorry for that. I know you’re tired, let’s just go to sleep and forget this ever happened.” Yuchan avoids his gaze.

Junyoung frowns, “No.”

“No?”

He abruptly pulls the younger male in his arms, engulfing him in a tight embrace.

“What are you doing? Let go of me.” Yuchan struggles to break away from Junyoung.

“I’m sorry.” He apologizes.

“Junyoung, _please.”_ His heart aches to hear Yuchan close to breaking.

“I didn’t know you were hurting as much. I’m really sorry.” Junyoung doesn’t loosen his arms around Yuchan’s smaller frame.

Yuchan stops from trying to push the taller male away. He balls the material of Junyoung’s shirt in his fists and pulls him closer to rest his forehead on the other male’s shoulder. Silence settles between them, Junyoung can clearly hear his heart ringing in his ears. They stay closely pressed against each other for a while and Junyoung treasures each passing second.

“I missed you.”

The words Yuchan whispered were nearly inaudible as if he was afraid to admit them but nevertheless it tugged on Junyoung’s heartstrings.

“I missed you too.” Junyoung mutters into Yuchan’s hair. “So fucking much.”

“No, _no._ ” Yuchan strongly shoves him away, shaking his head in disagreement.

“You’re doing it again. Jun, I’m tired. I can’t continue this anymore, I can’t pretend that I’m fine being uncertain with whatever our relationship is.”

The doubt laced in Yuchan’s tone was like a knife piercing through his chest.

“Give me another chance then. Let’s go out for real.” Junyoung says as earnest as he can.

Yuchan stares at him stunned before bursting into shaky laughter. “You’re so unfair. You can’t do that when I was so sure this would be the end.”

“I don’t want to lose you, watching you slowly drift away was painful enough. Well, what do you say?” Junyoung carefully cups Yuchan’s face in his hands. His thumb delicately swiping over the younger male’s cheek, wiping away a tear track.

“Ask me again.”

“Kang Yuchan,” Junyoung paused, mustering enough courage to continue. “Will you be mine?”

Junyoung’s insides were about to explode at how nervous he feels but he waits patiently for Yuchan’s answer. The shorter male appears to be contemplating over his question, a low hum coming from him. His expression was indecipherable and Junyoung readies himself to the incoming rejection until the other breaks into a kind smile.

Yuchan loops his arms around Junyoung’s neck and pulls the latter down to his height. “Yes. You better make it up to me this time.” He whispered against the taller male’s ear.

As if a heavy weight was lifted from his chest, Junyoung finally _breathes_.

“Can I kiss you?”

Yuchan slightly pulls back in order to face the older male and grin at him cheekily. Junyoung supposes that it’s too early to ask for a kiss and plans on keeping Yuchan in his arms for the whole night instead. But the younger male had different plans. Without any heed, he presses a sloppy kiss on Junyoung’s lips and draws back totally satisfied at the taller male’s stupefied look.

“Of course.” Yuchan says, a _familiar_ soft smile on his lips.

Junyoung swears never to let Yuchan slip from his grasp ever again.

**Author's Note:**

> i promised to write a fic where junyoung's the one hurting so here's this. i love my indecisive ship  
> there's so much left unsaid in this fic??? and it ended up becoming a parallel version of the one i initially had in mind. the one i originally planned writing is on yuchan's pov but my baby has suffered enough  
> tbh everything seemed cool in my head but once i started typing it down it sounded 'meh' and some parts here are a big ????? i dont even know anymore so if you reached until this part thank you for reading i love you  
> (i know i haven't put up the part 2 of my previous work hHHhhHh pls wait)
> 
> anw scream at me on [twt](https://twitter.com/97fIirt) or [cc](https://curiouscat.me/97unit)


End file.
